Different Types of Checks, and I'm Good at Both!

Yeah, I'm "that guy" in the grocery line.

Did anyone see Obama address the nation about health care last night, selfishly taking up precious national airtime that would be better served broadcasting sports and IQ absorbing reality shows? Sick, right? Did anyone notice the slippery serpent using basic fundamental building blocks of the English language with words such as "Me" and derivatives thereof? My God (Glenn Beck)! The nerve! He said "This wasn't about him" but went on to reference himself several times. Ludicrous!

Let's cut to the chase bubba, a political savant like Sarah Palin wouldn't be caught dead with words like "myself" "mine" or "maverick" in her discourse as an effort to dodge embarrassingly elementary questions.

Nothing gets my jowls in a Nixonesque quiver of rage and panic like the imminent looming fear of a fat tax. The devil himself alluded to it last night.

"You will have to give up the things that don't make you healthier..."

Good God almighty! If that doesn't scream "You fatties are about to pay big time, I'm going to shake every last dime out of those rolls." I don't know what does. Let's face it folks, I enjoy being part of the elite, but I have no interest in being catapulted to the top 1% of the fat tax bracket. Goodness! I could solely fund the nation's health care under this inescapable socialist regime.

Well well, how does John Q. Taxpayer fight this in a resourceful and resolute way? Well he can't because he's dumb. So, How do I fight this while informing the general public? Here's where it gets good folks. I count how many times he says "me" or some form of the word. Genius right? Would I ever do something so trivial to any political figure with an "R" in front of their name? Of course not, that would be stupid.

To the idiots in Washington: This is how you end socialism.

Here's the deal bubba, you see my melon on the TV-looky-box daily. Automatically this makes my political views valid and furthermore, right. The weather just pays my Shoney's tabs, but the smart money's in politics.

As a staunch conservative talking head, nothing gets the vein in my neck pounding harder than my fists on a locked restaurant door five minutes before closing time than wasting money on social programs. Let's start with the biggie. Education. I've said it before but if poor people don't deserve health care they sure as hell don't deserve my tax dollars going towards their education either.

"You can't afford a private school? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you're just going to have to get a nine-to-five little Suzie. The world's a cold hard place and it's not getting any better any time soon. Take the training wheels off that 'My Little Pony' bike and pull yourself up by your little bootie straps kid."

Waiting for homework handouts now...They'll be waiting for welfare handouts later.

If we could free up all that waste from the social K-12 education programs we could up the amount of military resources from 40% of our tax dollars to somewhere closer to 60-75%. Oh, I hear your whining you bleeding heart liberals, "What about the kids? Wha whaaaa! Everyone deserves handouts!" Here's the deal you crybaby socialists, I got your handout right here: Throw all those kids that can't afford an education straight into the military. Oh, you think your stupid science book is heavy? How 'bout this M16A2 5.56mm, air-cooled, gas-operated, magazine-fed, three-round-burst rifle? Well get used to it kid. This gun is your new best friend.

That's a little more like it.

One last word from on high. When people tell you the US military is the largest social program the world has ever seen, you punch them right square in their lying liberal mouths.

Independence Day

This is basically what's going on in my head constantly

Friends. I've some news that may trouble some of you. I've shut down twitter operations. Temporarily. I've had a falling out with my writers, designers, web engineers and most of all, my editors. Turns out they are all idiots. I've asked twitter to suspend the account until I can find some real talent to work with. Does it surprise anyone that on the day we, as a country, are celebrating independence from an overbearing patriarch who never believed in my acting career, that I've declared my own independence from the stagnant, humdrum parade I can't believe I once called a newsroom?

Hold on, get that revolver out of your mouth. There's a light at the end of every tunnel. And the 120 mile-per-hour light at the end of this tunnel is me in the Trans Am, followed by every cop car in service with both middle fingers coming straight out of each t-top, singing every solitary note of "Free Bird". The live version. Here's the deal Bubba, I'm spending the week in the desert. I've got my stock of peyote and ganj taped under the dash of the Am. I'm going to have my interns polish every gold chain I own. I'm going to up my illegitimate children count. Considerably. I'm going to gamble every last bit of my Waffle House endorsement earnings. I'm gonna put it all on black Bubba.

When the haze starts to clear, and I find my socks without waking anyone up I'm coming straight back to Bowling Green with a reporter's book of full of revolutionary ideas that were birthed during my psychedelic stupor. My new editorial team and I will decipher the ramblings and turn them into journalistic gold.

Friends, I'll be tweeting in a week.


Also friends. We will be opening a photo gallery. Check out our logo template at www.flickr.com/fakechrisallen print it. And take pictures around the globe and we'll feature it on the flickr page, blog, and twitter.

Would the real Fake Chris Allen please stand up?

Let's face it folks. Nobody said being a fake local celebrity would be easy. In fact, no one ever said anything about it at all. There's a dark side to all this they don't show you on "MTV Real Life: I'm a fake celebrity." After seeing some sensational tweets claiming I'm fake, a spammer, and I'm full of viruses, (when does a rich, good-looking fake celebrity have time to write a virus anyway?") I'd have to say it ain't all glamor, Bubba. It's just like the tabloid headlines for Jon and Kate plus Eight, but only FakeChrisAllen plus 125 (at the moment) except I haven't cheated on my spouse with a bodyguard. (Note to self: Search the yellow pages for bodyguards some time today.) Let's get it straight. I'm exactly who I say I am, Fake Chris Allen. I haven't spammed anything to anyone. Love, praise and adore me all you'd like. If not, well I couldn't imagine someone doing that, but if not I ain't gonna spam nobody. Let's not get silly. And viruses. Viruses?..Viruses...Viruses?...Viruses! I'm way to awesome and good-looking to worry about writing software that would turn your mouse cursor into an animated farting donkey.

What is it about my stardom that gets people twisted in knots like they've just seen Steven Hawking do a gainer off the high dive? Here's the deal, Bubba. Professional jealousy. It's gets ugly down there. I'm rich, powerful, and awesome and I've only been doing this for a few days. People ask me, "Hey man, why would you put up with all this junk? If it was me I'd give up and go back to my soul-sucking 9-to-5." Well friends my answer is this. The money. Let's get real for a moment. Anyone can report the weather, I mean Jesus, they've got 24 hour programming, dedicated to it. All I gotta do is glance at the TV every once and a while, regurgitate some info and people treat me like I'm Bringing Micheal Jackson back from the dead while curing cancer. And I'm getting paid in truck loads to do it. "OK, OK, you and everything about you is awesome, but how do you deal with the naysayers, the sandbaggers, the wallyjarpers?" I can't fully explain it but it turns out I'm just a little stronger-willed than your everyday Joe, well, that and the flask I keep in my sock seems to help. But hey, who am I kidding? You know this already. If you wanted to endure the hardships of a fake local celebrity you'd just create a bogus email account, venture out to the social media site of your choice, and become one.

Also friends, I'd like to add that we will be starting a new weekly column on the blog called "Fake Chris' Corner" I'll be taking your questions via email or you can just leave a question in the comments. Take this as your opportunity to pick the brain of your favorite fake celebrity.