Boat payment's due. Time to crank out a patriotic country song.

Friends, I've got an awesome boat, and let's face it, it doesn't pay for itself. Well it pays for itself in women and whiskey, but try sending that to the bill collectors. They're none too amused and secondly, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to send a human being through the United States postal system.

Pretty sure the flag kills my gas mileage.

I shudder every time I see my bank balance fall under seven figures, and that time has come; the cash supply is lackluster at best. I'm not sure if it's the blackout binge eating, the splurges on designer cowboy boots or the high-dollar trips to Japan to see my favorite hair bands perform. (As much as it pains me to write this, America has lost its way. Japan seems to be the only country with good taste in rock and roll these days.)

So what is the easiest way for someone with no singing / songwriting talent to make a quick buck? That's right, a patriotic country song. In order to write one of these songs, one must understand that there is an unwritten prerequisite that you, under no circumstances, serve in the military. Hey! What was I doing with my life? I was born to do this!

Then comes the next problem. There hasn't been a good old fashioned national disaster for a while now. Well then, how the hell am I supposed to tug at people's knee-jerk ill-informed political heart stings without a horrible attack on American soil? Well it seems this question has been plaguing our songwriter friends down in Nashville for some time now too.

Well this patriotic songwriting drought is over friends. I've taken a page right out of Hollywood's playbook. YOU MAKE A SEQUEL! DUH! People get their hopes up after the first good film, then all you gotta do is squeeze out a hasty follow up and people are running over one another to empty their wallets and pocket books at your feet.

So I've stacked the deck and acquired an all star lineup for my new single, "Stay the Course." Just like in the movies where the lost heroes (Myself, Toby Keith, and Darryl Worley) need guidance and seek the old master (Lee Greenwood) to help them over come evil (lack of good songwriting ideas) and retrain while remembering why they set out on the epic quest to begin with (making truckloads of money) and go on to defeat the bad guy (still don't care who that is really, but the common folk won't care either as long as you sprinkle in phrases like: "'Merica's still number one" and "the eagle will fly again" and "love it or leave it")

If for no other reason, buy it so Darryl Worley doesn't have to do any more male modeling.

So that's it friends, call your music stores and demand them to carry this album. If they refuse, all you gotta do is accuse them of being a communist traitor socialist hitler-loving anti-American. And let's face it, if you don't like this steaming pile, that's basically what you are too.