What happens when a weather man denies photosynthesis?

Don't ever let brand affiliation get in the way of your ignorance.


Well Friends. We got a sell out. What happens when the White Snake is ringing in your ears too loud to hear your superiors requests on a Monday morning meeting after a long weekend of being down-right ignorant and blowing your money at the bowling alley? You agree to stop embarrassing those who sign your checks. Jesus, don't ever let a good old fashioned hangover get in the way of your ignorance.

Man oh man. :(

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The Ignorant Bill of Rights

Hey guys, you know what I'm doing when I'm not cruising in the Trans Am? I'm being ignorant. Here's a few guidelines for you to live by if you want to be like me.

Damn right it's OK, I've got a Trans Am.

1. The right of the people to use the "failure" of a government program to assume that every government program will inevitably fail shall not be infringed.

2. The right of the people to ignore the success of social programs, including but not limited to, the military, the post office, public education, roads and transportation, fire departments, and police protection shall not be infringed; furthermore, the right to describe any government programs you do not like as "socialist" is guaranteed.

3. The right to use one's knowledge obtained from the PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM to fight socialism with arbitrary buzz words and meaningless talking points absorbed from FOX news or talk radio shall not be infringed.

4. The right of the people to use any anecdotal evidence, true or untrue, to further back up the entirety of one's beliefs or denials shall not be infringed; including but not limited to, the denial of fundamental scientific principals such as photosynthesis to reinforce one's personal denial of global warming.

5. The right of the people defend tooth and nail the same insurance companies that deny procedures to cut costs and increase bonuses shall never be infringed.

6. The right to ignore or purposely forget massive breaches of the First and Fourth amendments under a republican administration shall not be infringed. Furthermore, in true irony, one must also describe a progressive administration with terms such as dictator, regime, communist, socialist, death squad ect. Also, comparisons to Hitler are encouraged.

7. The right to forget that bailouts started from a Republican administration, while criticizing bailouts from a Democratic administration shall not be infringed.

8. The right of the people to understand that being a fiscal conservative only applies to taking away programs intended to help the American public shall never be infringed. Furthermore, the right mindlessly support massive amounts of spending on wars in countries that the 9/11 attackers were not from is also guaranteed.

9. The right to understand that the first amendment only covers unoffensive speech shall not be infringed.

10. The right of the people to remain ignorant, bliss and fat is God-given.

Guys, I've got to a take a back seat to this one.

I've seen global warming deniers, even holocaust deniers, but folks, I thought we were all on the same page when it came to photosynthesis. Well, I'm sorry. I wish I could say this is was my idea but I've been beat to the punch.

Read? I'll just take your word for it; besides, I've burned all my books.

That's right Bubba, trees emit CO2, not oxygen like those lying teachers taught us back in grade school. Come to think about it, teachers are socialists aren't they? Ever met a socialist you could trust?

Here's what we gotta do folks, KILL THE TREES BEFORE THEY KILL US!

Just to think, we let our children plant those polluters in our yard, some even lived in our homes.

I've got some patriotic competition, flew right in under the radar.

Well friends John Rich took another angle to the patriotic songwriting approach. I thought the tragedy sequel would make the most money (don't worry it's making money). But blinded by pure ambition, my tunnel vision caused me to forget about the WWII approach. A war so black and white, good guys, bad guys, Nazis, A-bombs - Now that's how you make money pulling at peoples red white and blue heart stings. All the other wars tend to have a ton of those gray areas that really act as a patriotic buzz kill.

Here it is folks. Pure genius.



John Rich, faithfully abiding by the patriotic singer / songwriter code of ethics, has never under any circumstances served in the United States Armed Forces. And for good reason, good God, have you seen how much a private in the Army makes? Piggybacking off others military achievements is a much more lucrative profession.

I'd like to point out some lyrics from the song I most marvel at.

Translation: There's no way in hell I'm joining the military unless I'm threatened with jail time.

Translation: The first amendment makes me angry because people with different views than me get to exercise it too..

Any of you guys wanna take any "shots" at Uncle Sam? Ok, just making sure you're completely content with your place in society.

So there you have it Bubba, the best way to be labeled a patriot without having to make any personal sacrifice is to pump out one of these country songs, and you can make a killing in the meantime. The dollar doesn't lie.

Boat payment's due. Time to crank out a patriotic country song.

Friends, I've got an awesome boat, and let's face it, it doesn't pay for itself. Well it pays for itself in women and whiskey, but try sending that to the bill collectors. They're none too amused and secondly, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to send a human being through the United States postal system.

Pretty sure the flag kills my gas mileage.

I shudder every time I see my bank balance fall under seven figures, and that time has come; the cash supply is lackluster at best. I'm not sure if it's the blackout binge eating, the splurges on designer cowboy boots or the high-dollar trips to Japan to see my favorite hair bands perform. (As much as it pains me to write this, America has lost its way. Japan seems to be the only country with good taste in rock and roll these days.)

So what is the easiest way for someone with no singing / songwriting talent to make a quick buck? That's right, a patriotic country song. In order to write one of these songs, one must understand that there is an unwritten prerequisite that you, under no circumstances, serve in the military. Hey! What was I doing with my life? I was born to do this!

Then comes the next problem. There hasn't been a good old fashioned national disaster for a while now. Well then, how the hell am I supposed to tug at people's knee-jerk ill-informed political heart stings without a horrible attack on American soil? Well it seems this question has been plaguing our songwriter friends down in Nashville for some time now too.

Well this patriotic songwriting drought is over friends. I've taken a page right out of Hollywood's playbook. YOU MAKE A SEQUEL! DUH! People get their hopes up after the first good film, then all you gotta do is squeeze out a hasty follow up and people are running over one another to empty their wallets and pocket books at your feet.

So I've stacked the deck and acquired an all star lineup for my new single, "Stay the Course." Just like in the movies where the lost heroes (Myself, Toby Keith, and Darryl Worley) need guidance and seek the old master (Lee Greenwood) to help them over come evil (lack of good songwriting ideas) and retrain while remembering why they set out on the epic quest to begin with (making truckloads of money) and go on to defeat the bad guy (still don't care who that is really, but the common folk won't care either as long as you sprinkle in phrases like: "'Merica's still number one" and "the eagle will fly again" and "love it or leave it")

If for no other reason, buy it so Darryl Worley doesn't have to do any more male modeling.

So that's it friends, call your music stores and demand them to carry this album. If they refuse, all you gotta do is accuse them of being a communist traitor socialist hitler-loving anti-American. And let's face it, if you don't like this steaming pile, that's basically what you are too.

Different Types of Checks, and I'm Good at Both!

Yeah, I'm "that guy" in the grocery line.

Did anyone see Obama address the nation about health care last night, selfishly taking up precious national airtime that would be better served broadcasting sports and IQ absorbing reality shows? Sick, right? Did anyone notice the slippery serpent using basic fundamental building blocks of the English language with words such as "Me" and derivatives thereof? My God (Glenn Beck)! The nerve! He said "This wasn't about him" but went on to reference himself several times. Ludicrous!

Let's cut to the chase bubba, a political savant like Sarah Palin wouldn't be caught dead with words like "myself" "mine" or "maverick" in her discourse as an effort to dodge embarrassingly elementary questions.

Nothing gets my jowls in a Nixonesque quiver of rage and panic like the imminent looming fear of a fat tax. The devil himself alluded to it last night.

"You will have to give up the things that don't make you healthier..."

Good God almighty! If that doesn't scream "You fatties are about to pay big time, I'm going to shake every last dime out of those rolls." I don't know what does. Let's face it folks, I enjoy being part of the elite, but I have no interest in being catapulted to the top 1% of the fat tax bracket. Goodness! I could solely fund the nation's health care under this inescapable socialist regime.

Well well, how does John Q. Taxpayer fight this in a resourceful and resolute way? Well he can't because he's dumb. So, How do I fight this while informing the general public? Here's where it gets good folks. I count how many times he says "me" or some form of the word. Genius right? Would I ever do something so trivial to any political figure with an "R" in front of their name? Of course not, that would be stupid.

To the idiots in Washington: This is how you end socialism.

Here's the deal bubba, you see my melon on the TV-looky-box daily. Automatically this makes my political views valid and furthermore, right. The weather just pays my Shoney's tabs, but the smart money's in politics.

As a staunch conservative talking head, nothing gets the vein in my neck pounding harder than my fists on a locked restaurant door five minutes before closing time than wasting money on social programs. Let's start with the biggie. Education. I've said it before but if poor people don't deserve health care they sure as hell don't deserve my tax dollars going towards their education either.

"You can't afford a private school? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you're just going to have to get a nine-to-five little Suzie. The world's a cold hard place and it's not getting any better any time soon. Take the training wheels off that 'My Little Pony' bike and pull yourself up by your little bootie straps kid."

Waiting for homework handouts now...They'll be waiting for welfare handouts later.

If we could free up all that waste from the social K-12 education programs we could up the amount of military resources from 40% of our tax dollars to somewhere closer to 60-75%. Oh, I hear your whining you bleeding heart liberals, "What about the kids? Wha whaaaa! Everyone deserves handouts!" Here's the deal you crybaby socialists, I got your handout right here: Throw all those kids that can't afford an education straight into the military. Oh, you think your stupid science book is heavy? How 'bout this M16A2 5.56mm, air-cooled, gas-operated, magazine-fed, three-round-burst rifle? Well get used to it kid. This gun is your new best friend.

That's a little more like it.

One last word from on high. When people tell you the US military is the largest social program the world has ever seen, you punch them right square in their lying liberal mouths.